100 days: better alone together
adventures, doing our best, coming to terms with what that looks like. and days 32 to 35 from 2021's 100 day project, #100daysofsaraandcharlie
Greetings! I’m researching for a new series I want to do for snarky memoirs, a series that has no name yet but will be interviews with all different kinds of moms and womens. Single moms, partnered moms, cat moms, plant moms, accidental moms, insane moms with 4 or more kids, etcetera! I want to talk about hard stuff so we can all continue to prove to each other that this shit is hard and it’s ok that it’s hard and it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong or that you don’t love your people! Here’s my ask for now: respond to me with: 1) name(s) of someone you’d love to hear from on a mother-related journey (your friend, yourself, your mom, someone famous even!), and/or 2) a question you’ve always wanted to ask a mom friend but never got brave enough to ask. Let ME ask and then we can all benefit from the answer. You can email me at snarkysara@substack.com. And now, back to the show!
I think I’m a one-kid mom, right now, for now. I do SO well when it’s just one kid. And I am usually losing my actual mind when I’m in charge of both of them, within 5 to 10 minutes of double-kid kickoff. My stats are bad, ok.
We ask each other (we, people with one kid, interested in another) what it’s like going from one kid to two. For me, first of all, it was magnitudes easier than going from zero to one. On all counts. No exceptions. Not to say it’s not difficult or very hard some or lots of the time, but it’s almost like it’s not the transition that was difficult. It’s just that managing more than one child is not easy, and babies and toddling one-year-olds are super hard to deal with, a pain in the ass to take anywhere, generally gross, and I forgot all of this apparently, and THUS two kids is harder than one. But going to two kids from one was not hard? Yes. I stand by this.
Lately when I can muster the energy or feel desperate for a break and some outside time, I take Charlie somewhere for an adventure - this is the word I used when he was small and needed incentive to do anything. It’s not just errands, it’s AN ADVENTURE. Mama doesn’t just need a coffee, we’re going on a COFFEE ADVENTURE. It’s not just snack time, it’s a SPECIAL SNACK. And if we’re leaving the house for this snack, it’s a SPECIAL SNACK ADVENTURE. See? It’s exciting!
I think in most circles this is simply called marketing. In my circle (which is me and my 4-going-on-14-year-old) it’s called Being Smart About Semantics aka convincing this very opinionated and desperate-for-control fresh human that what we’re doing is worth his *apparently* very precious time.
It’s funny when I can see “no really, it’s going to be fun because it’s an ADVENTURE remember?!” is kind of not working anymore. He’s basically a grown man now (“Mama, I don’t need OPT-chuns, I jus’ want DIS.” eye roll) so he’s onto my shit.
But sometimes I can still convince him we need to go on an adventure and I did that over the weekend on Easter and we went trekking through the woods looking for dragons I think? Not super sure. He does a lot of pretend dialogue and if I try to ask what’s happening he’s usually just like “no mama I talking to mySEFF,” like excuse me, begging your pardon sir, just trying to engage with my spawn and make memories my bad, didn’t mean to interrupt your dragons or dinosaurs or whatever and he’ll be like “no mama it’s ROBOT WOLVES FALLING FROM THE SKY,” and I’m like yikes that escalated quickly, carry on.
ANYWAY.
We’re walking through the woods and I’m so content and it’s sunny and kinda breezy and I’m having a good hair day even. He asks why baby J couldn’t come with us and I tried to explain in a nice way that 1-year-olds are a pain in the ass to take hiking on unpaved trails and I’m not trying to throw my back out to include him, plus his father is perfectly capable of parenting one kid while I parent another, giving us both (me and his father, that is) a break of sorts.
And this is when it hit me. I’m my best when it’s just me and him, but more than that I’m my best with just me and him and at this age. Going through these 100 days reflections has been kinda cool but also drives home that I do and am enjoying myself again magnitudes more and more as he ages.
Having another younger one around while I’m hitting my stride with the older is very weird. I’m like at my best and worst at the same time when they’re together and I’m the only parent. I know both exactly what to do and simultaneously am clueless and desperate to just keep them alive at a bare minimum.
There’s always the bare minimum, right? When you’re struggling, sometimes all you can do is keep them alive and I’m here to share that this still counts as love and good parenting! If it’s your best, it counts.
Here’s just a couple more days of me doing my absolute best with a younger, more challenging kid. I babbled enough so it’s only days 32 to 35. Next week we get to Christmas, which was hilarious to revisit.
32: 12/14/21 Tuesday
preschool day. rough day for me emotionally, having nothing to do with charlie but everything to do with how I function as a human outside of being his mom and this future baby’s mom. But, this morning marked maybe the second full week of him being able to leave his room in the morning - no lock on the door - and come right in to see us in our room. He goes to the bathroom and then climbs in bed for some TV, and he has started unprompted leaning over to give me a kiss or snuggle and once again, I am casual about it because I am usually groggy and half asleep but I love it so much. Mornings are hard, especially with him even though and even when he isn’t an early riser and making us suffer at ungodly hours. But I hate mornings. I hate them with babies, I hate them without babies. I want slow and casual and easy, and toddlers just aren’t any of those things. But THIS that we do, and this kiss and snuggle he gives me, it’s just fine. And I can sleep through 101 Dalmatians like a champ now, too, so that’s a plus.
33: 12/17 Friday
Hilarious that sometimes taking Charlie to a store is a wild success and sometimes it’s a roaring pain in the ass. The most frustrating thing is that to get “better” at it, we have to keep doing it. Like the eating out thing. If we want him to learn how to be a civil human in a store, we have to practice going to stores over and over, and continue to repeat ourselves about how we don’t spit in public or sing aka scream at the top of our lungs in the pharmacy or run wildly down random aisles without a parent in sight…sigh. So yeah. Stores blow. I always want to leave, I always feel frustrated before, during, and after. I always forget to buy something. But I want to do this part right.
34: 12/20/21
Today was absolutely normal and fine. I spent the entire day with Charlie and we had fun, I hardly yelled at all, he hardly cried at all, and I felt like I was DOING the parent thing and well, at that.
One notable thing to me was that he came with me to the chiropractor, and he sat in the room or right outside it the whole time with zero issues. Played with toys, ate his snack, sang to himself. For a solid 20 minutes. I was nervous and proud and not surprised and shocked and impressed with Charlie and also like all of those things with myself too. It was a really nice moment for me to realize that like, what we’re doing is working. Day to day it’s hard to see progress because toddlers are awful to deal with a lot of the time. But it’s in these tiny moments I can see that he’s growing up and he’s learning and he’s taking in everything we say and teach (and yell, probably) and I need to keep on keepin’ on. Because toddlers - mine, at least - are really cute, really precious, really funny, and extraordinary to watch. I’m glad I’m able to write these and recognize the happy and contented moments where I feel the warmness about parenting in this stage and towards him.
35: 12/21/21
Had a really grumpy day today - me, not him. Did my best to turn it around for myself so I wouldn’t take it out on him. Started with bagels from my favorite place. Big hit for us both. Then, armed with lots of layers because my jacket doesn’t zip anymore (lol) we went to Lake Johnson to get some nature. I stood at the shore while Charlie found some really great sticks (his words) and chased geese, and tried to breathe in the cold air and the calming lake vibes. I’m not sure it worked but it was still nice. I got a sugar cookie latte (because fuck the failed glucose test, my numbers look fine), and we came home an enjoyed a Christmas movie marathon before late lunch. It was fine. It was hard. Even though it wasn’t hard, I just never really emerged from my funk which made the funk worse?! Somehow? In the end, we were ok and had fun moments. It does suck to carry a seemingly unbreakable shitty mood with me all day. At least Charlie wasn’t in a shitty mood - aided by a popsicle bath!
Don’t forget your homework about my motherhood interview series! tl;dr / too long, didn’t want to scroll back up: email me with: 1) name(s) of someone you’d love to hear from on a mother-related journey (your friend, yourself, your mom, someone famous even!), and/or 2) a question you’ve always wanted to ask a mom friend but never got brave enough to ask. snarkysara@substack.com.
kbye!
