100 days: it's not going well
I have a second ghost child and its name starts with ANN + ends in ZY-EHTY.
In the fall of 2021, I attempted 100 days of journaling daily about things I did or felt with my toddler who was about to get a sibling. I'm sharing my entries in digest form. This is days 11-19.
pre-reflection
Last time was a heavy - for me - walk down memory lane, as they say. It’s hard to throw oneself into the past especially if a lot of it is hard times vs happy snapshots. I’m gratified that past me was determined to show and share both the good and the bad, and / but as a result, reading these is sometimes difficult. I get a bit of whiplash. But also I think that’s just parenting? That’s anxiety, that’s just seasonal depression, it’s pandemic-blues, it’s that life BE like that, and a lot of times we gloss over it and we “well at least” ourselves to death.
Guess I need to get one of those neck restraint thingies?
So here’s the realest of real! This is days 11 to 19 which are not sequential even slightly! Day 19 I think was a day or possibly 2 before we left for a kid-free week in Dominican Republic. Chaos, on the inside AND outside of my head, ensues.
11: 10/18/21, a Monday
[Our nanny] gave Charlie a 10/10 today and when she went home he was - for once, felt like - so agreeable and chill. I felt like I got a glimpse of a future chilled out kid. He sat on the floor for a few minutes “reading” books aloud before saying “mama let’s go outside!” As soon as we got to the sidewalk he said we should go get pizza real quick and it was just the cutest moment.
We went to Quailridge Books, for me mostly, but made me laugh that he was not super into all the books. I wonder if that kind of place is overwhelming to his little senses. Plus my anxiety is up waiting for him to be too loud or start throwing books around or accidentally ripping one that I’ll then have to buy.
Then he had a tantrum getting out of the car to get dinner. The kind where it’s about one thing and then it’s about 12 things and there are no solutions. These kinds make me want to just crawl out of my skin. He said he wanted to stay in the car, and we said ok and then of course immediately upon closing the car door realizing the reality of this is…we can’t and won’t leave him there and I told Steven I wasn’t comfortable with this as form of punishment or even supposed accommodation of his request. We would never leave him and I don’t want him to think we would but you just stand there like ok we’ll if there IS no solution - because you can’t stay in the car AND get dinner AND walk by yourself AND take your shoes off AND listen to wizard of oz songs all simultaneously- then like. Just. What the hell?!
In the end, he got over it, I don’t even remember what it was that made him forget his upset. We had burgers outside. And the tantrum felt like a non-thing. But those moments really zap me. And feel both super quick - because toddler attention span, I guess - and endless.
12: 10/20/21
Mornings have started to be A THING. Charlie’s morning tantrums begin when we open the door and don’t end until I don’t even know how to make it end. It’s a frustrating way to start the morning, and more frustrating because he wakes up happy, singing, plays nicely, but then shortly after seeing our faces he decides he’s pissed and doesn’t want to share why. I try to remind myself in the moment that it’s my job to work with him through his emotions because he doesn’t know how.
Other than AM tantrums, the day was actually a nice one for Sara and Charlie. Steven had visiting coworkers so after saying hi to them (or rather, NOT saying hi, because he’s in that doesn’t-like-strangers phase I guess), we spent the entire evening at the park, got to talk to neighbors, and finished the evening with some noodles for dinner and a blue bath. Busy Toddler uses the food coloring bath as an emergency activity but I felt like me being solo parent and wanting the evening to go smoothly - aka NOT like things had gone in the morning - it was a worthy occasion to have a special bath. He stayed in the tub for more than 30 minutes and I felt so at ease through the whole evening. We had good snuggles and I smelled his hair - which I had hilariously forgotten to wash - and he asked for a song and then calmly got into bed and didn’t get back up again. It felt lovely, ideal, calm. I felt capable, in control, calm, and like I was doing an ok job. Which I guess is all I can ask for.
13: 10/21/21
Steven was the helping parent at preschool today, and it was also picture day. I dressed Charlie in one of his only collared shirts - a Winnie the Pooh Hawaiian print button up that is precious beyond words - and definitely did a finger-lick-hair-pat before they left. Steven reported that Charlie would have nothing to do with the photographers and was too scared of them to even sit for his picture to be taken. It’s both hilarious and a moment that makes you wonder like, are we doing ok?
Nothing makes you question your parenting like sending your kid to be with a bunch of other kids. Pandemic plus in-home childcare means Charlie has minimal group activities, contact, experience in crowds, etc. and while it’s not my fault, nor is it something I really want to change yet, it still makes me wonder: what damage is being done to him? Am I doing it all wrong?
I know - deep inside - the answer is no. But. BUT. But, he’ll figure himself and the world out, and I will do my best to help him. That’s all I can do.
14: 10/22/21
Today was a good day. Not much else to say? [Our nanny] was here and I feel like I hardly “mothered” at all today so it’s sorta funny to say like yeah it was a good day potentially because I wasn’t that involved. lol.
Talked a lot today with a couple mom friends about what it means to be present with and “here for” our kids. Friend said she needed a lot of help and lots of breaks from her kids when they were toddlers, to feel the space and be ABLE to enjoy them when she WAS with them. I feel this deeply. I love Charlie to bits (obviously!) and I can feel and see glimpses of the person he is becoming and he’s going to be tons of fun for me to be with and around. But he’s not tons of fun all the time right now and sometimes it’s hard as shit to get through the day. I too need lots of help and space, to give him the best version of Mom Sara I can muster. Because he deserves that and so do I.
15: 10/23/21
Steven and I are both getting paranoid and nervous about Charlie getting sick and then getting US sick just in time for our kid-free vacation at the end of this week. It’s weighing on him and thus me. Charlie coughed a lot today but no fever so we just gotta go with the flow. I guess that’s what we have to do regardless.
Spent time with friends and their kid at Pullen Park today which is always nice. Having another person, group of people with a child is so nice for like ease of dealing with toddlers. They’re better in groups, seems like. Or maybe *I* am better in groups? Not sure. But weekend days with no plans always sorta stress me out and I seem to be happier and more at ease with myself and with parenting when we DO something. Something to take note of, I suppose. Pandemic problems, probably.
16: 10/24/21
Kid had SASS today and Sara had little patience. I’ve noticed that I have little patience a lot though, and I have a hard time regulating myself. Mr. Chazz is having a lot of convo in his stories and posts about spanking and alternatives. We don’t spank Charlie but we were both raised in households that used spanking as a discipline- though not often, that I remember. It’s made me think a lot about the “I was spanked and I turned out fine,” argument. Aside from the fact that science knows this isn’t true now, I do often wonder, “what is fine?” Am I fine when I can’t handle his hitting-as-playfulness and end up yelling at him? Am I fine when I run out of patience after 5 small seconds of non-compliance and yell to try to get him to listen to me? Am I fine when I basically lose it if he’s whining a lot or having a tantrum, and I want to throw him across the room because it feels like that kind of extreme action is the only way to get him to listen or take me seriously?
These are all rhetorical as I already know I’m not fine. I’m in talk therapy. I’m in a mom therapy group. I require journaling and medicine to sleep and regular and close monitoring of my anxiety to keep me sane as Charlie’s mother.
Someone said in one of the posts today: Recognizing you’re not fine is the first step. I am not infallible. I make mistakes and I have trouble regulating myself and keeping calm when I need to, to teach him how to regulate himself. I’m glad I take these steps to help myself so I can be part of cycle-breaking, and teach Charlie how to be kind - to himself, to others. And all the other stuff I’m supposed to teach him. Like how to NOT yell or throw things the minute shit goes awry. If I can’t do it, why or how do I expect him to figure it out?
17: 10/26/21
Took a cute selfie of me and Charlie earlier, on the porch sofa, sharing a snack of carrots and trail mix. It was such a cute and lovely moment and we were chatting nicely and I had some warm fuzzies.
Cut to hours later, he wouldn’t nap, he’s throwing toys, shouting, being “cute” by running away when I need to put his pants on because he’s the one who’s requested to go outside. But doesn’t want pants. I have so much work and feel so overwhelmed and…overdone. I’m like the dry, sizzling-in-a-bad-way turkey from Christmas Vacation. I’m done for the day. I have nothing left inside and I too want to throw things and yell. It’s no wonder he yells and throws toys because I fucking yell and throw and slam doors and I don’t know what else to do with that energy.
This is a perfect motherhood day. We had cuteness on the way to school, we had cuteness on the way home and a cute Costco errand and cuteness on the porch. But now I have regrets and sadness and desperation for something I can’t even express. And it makes me wonder: is this depression? Is it pregnancy hormones? Is it just me?
If we don’t make it to our vacation in 5 sleeps I am wondering what will become of me. And I’m sad. Because I want to not be a crazy person for my boy but it feels like I can’t help myself - I literally have no tools to help myself out.
18: 10/27/21
Everyone is sick here, to some degree. I was on a major anxiety spiral today about Charlie being sick while we’re gone and then over the story that we might not even be able to go on our trip at all because of sickness.
Didn’t help that we started the morning - after I slept poorly in the guest room - with an epic tantrum over who even knows what. He made it halfway down the stairs and decided he could go no further but didn’t know why. He wanted to be carried but also go “all by self” but also hold my hand. Plus, he was “hung-ger-ree” but didn’t want to come downstairs. He wanted waffles but was mad when I agreed that waffles were a great idea. We both sat on the stairs - him halfway up, me at the bottom - in differing yet maybe not that different levels of despair and frustration. Eventually we got there - to the waffles that is. We sat together on the back porch for the first half of the waffle in almost total silence. And we were ok, Sara and Charlie. I congratulated myself on not tossing him out the window and making it through another senseless toddler issue without letting my internal stress and peak anxiety levels leak out of my mouth and onto him.
Related: I had a massage, and a wax, AND therapy today PLUS got my fav lobster tots for lunch so I peaked anxiety today but I also peaked self-care and self-help. I’m off the ledge and ready to do 2 more days of parenting before we have a giant 6-day break from reality, which at this point feels as necessary as Sudafed and all the cold medicine I can’t take in my current condition [pregnant].
19: 10/29/21
What a day. Mornings continue to be tough for Charlie in the darkening days and dark mornings. We really struggled he and I this morning but eventually we both calmed down, and I got a break from Steven while he rested before meetings [future sara cutting in: I’m not sure what this sentence means lol. I assume it means Steven watched Charlie for a while and I got a break from being in charge]. I used the time to shower and wash my hair, finish gathering my clothes for our trip, and even go through some emails and small client tasks. It’s amazing what an hour ish of me time can do if I use it well and today I definitely did exactly what I needed to be able to move on with the day. Felt proud that my anxiety was so high but I was still able to reset and get myself out of the spiral to make myself better for the rest of the day with my boy.
We went to get breakfast and then to Fred Fletcher park as soon as I finished work and just wandered around for 2 hours. Such a good park for a meandering toddler exploration. And he was so elated on the swings, as giggly as I’ve ever seen him and it felt really special and nice especially since today was my last day with him before our very much needed kid-free trip.
It’s funny? Maybe. Just interesting that I DO treasure that time with him so much but I also equally need and treasure my alone and recharging time. Sometimes an hour and half for shower and quick important tasks or self-care works and sometimes I’m in debt and need a week long trip with no responsibilities or mama-what-you-doings. And after this trip? My cup will be full -er, at least. And that’s important.
post-reflection and wtf
Yikes. Reading these I can SO VIVIDLY remember my desperation to escape with this trip and how imperative it seemed at that moment in time. It doesn’t need to be said but here I am typing it anyway - my stress level was just beyond. I wondered if Charlie was going to have hand, foot, and mouth disease I think? I can’t remember which (not C*VID) but it was feeling scary and wrong that I was about to leave him. He had a fever, and I guess we know my bff anxiety was making the absolute most of the sitaution.
Spoiler alert: he was fine! And we made it to the DR, and we had a great time and I took so many naps and I wrote an essay about how to relax when we returned because I felt so successfully rejuvenated (“success” in relation to relaxation is very dumb but if you read it, it’ll make sense).
your turn
to go on a kid-free vacation to the DR! jk but truly I recommend it if you can swing it. Any trip without kids is a dream, divine, actually relaxing, 100% necessary, and you can’t convince me otherwise.
As such, I want to hear: a) the last trip you took sans spawn, either with your spouse, a partner, friend(s), or solo AND/OR b) I want to know where you are going to take yourself on your next just-for-you trip. Staycations count but it must be kid-free and it must be outside your house (or at least it must be kid-free because honestly what a dream to be in my own house but with no one else there CAN YOU IMAGINE)
Byeeeeee
