100 days: the before + after
a few entries from the messy middle of my second pregnancy and pandemic times
In the fall of 2021, I attempted 100 days of journaling daily about things I did or felt with my toddler who was about to get a sibling. I'm sharing my entries in digest form. This is days 41-49, and some additional snarky commentary from the after-times.
I was chatting with a friend lately - this the most boring way ever to start a story, isn’t it? Well whatever. It was either me chatting with a friend about what I’m about to talk about OR I just came up with it all on my own, which is better??
Anyway the friend and I realized we are entering the holy land of kid time for our oldest children, who are both 4ish, in which they - wait for it - play by themselves safely in another room! Or even outside! Alone! No risk of choking on a stick or eating poisonous fertilizer! They know that bug spray is …bug spray, and they don’t try to spray it into their open mouths! They can interact with friends and come up with games and - I say unto you, hear this: play independently and together!!!!
This friend just had twins like 12 seconds ago, and I have a 15 month old who loves to climb so neither of us are in a generally low maintenance kid phase. Like overall, both our lives are very high touch, very must keep eyes and ears open at all times for rolling out of the dock-a-tot, eating mulch out of any potted plant within reach, or even NOT in reach, because then we’re listening for the very *particular* silence that is a small child trying to climb something they can’t do safely, in order to ingest something they will absolutely choke on.
This past weekend was abysmal weather wise, but a handful of times, my kid found himself in his room playing alone for more than 15 minutes at a time. And last evening, some friends stopped by on their way home from the beach, and our two 4-year-olds almost immediately disappeared into my kid’s room to play together, followed shortly by their thunderous footsteps coming back downstairs to ask-slash-declare “CAN WE GO OUTSIDE WE WAN’ GO OUTSIDE” where they played alone, safely, and without incident* for more than 30 minutes! I guess I don’t actually know if there were any incidents outside since no one was out there with them, LOL I’m sure they were fine.
The only minor thing that happened when they were unsupervised is one of them somehow got stuck in the McDonald’s play set drive-thru window. Can’t explain it. He wasn’t injured, and the non-stuck kid calmly came for adult assistance.
So, you see? Things are FINE. We are fine here.
And my reason for sharing this is because these entries from #100daysofSaraandCharlie are decidedly unfun. We were quarantined, sick, I was scared of being pregnant and having another baby and feeling SO INEPT and unprepared for just the one I had. And I don’t want this to sound like “we got through the hard times and you can too!” Because I hate that (still), and that’s not the point. Except it kind of is?
I think I’m just saying that I’m glad to be here, and not there. And the only reason I fully recognize how “far I’ve come,” is that I did this dumb project and took literal notes of how shitty it was, when it was shitty. So now I can be grateful, see growth, blah blah vomit.
So much hedging, and “I thinks” and “maybe justs,” you’d think I’m uncomfortable admitting I can do hard things and recognizing my growth as a person and a mother OR SOMETHING.
Moving on.
41: 1/4/22
Has nothing to do with Charlie I guess but today I’m feeling a bit extra terrified that there’s going to be a baby at the end of this. I think I felt similarly when pregnant with Charlie - there’s something just not believable about it, can’t wrap one’s head around it.
Something else that occurred to me is that thing parents talk about how you can’t fathom loving another kid in the same way you love the first or others. That thought doesn’t resonate with me or give me pause or concern but I do have strange feelings about not WANTING to share with Charlie. Myself? My attention? Not sure.
42: 1/5/22 Wednesday
[Our nanny] tested positive for covid tonight after this is the first day Charlie was back with her at [our neighbor’s] house. My frustration level is through the roof, along with the level of all the other feelings.
So now we have to quarantine and go through the whole testing thing, wait-and-see RE symptoms. And my exact fear of losing my precious few working days before baby has come to pass. It’s a finite period of time and I’m trying to be positive but mostly I just feel resigned, worried about him getting sick, worried about myself getting sick, worried about who’s going to get sick if anyone, worried about who’s going to take care of whom. People - my parents and Steven - keep saying I shouldn’t worry (as if I don’t know that worrying serves no purpose).
Bedtime was a disaster also, in the midst of us having mini quiet freak outs over how this happened.
43: 1/6/22 Thursday
Today was A Day With A Toddler. Because some of it was fine and good and even fun. And the other half was bottom of the barrel. Around lunchtime he threw a tantrum so intense and I couldn’t talk him through it or even sit through it, and had to call Steven down so I could cry and leave the room for a few minutes. After that, I felt like my mood was sorta ruined because I felt like I failed on day one of being with him. Couldn’t even make it half a day before he had a tantrum and I had a breakdown.
My back is giving me fits too and my frustration level with how little I can move around comfortably and play with him is distracting me from enjoying things or doing the activities I usually like to do with him. Of course it’s also heavy because I feel like we can’t leave today so we’re “stuck” inside even though we could have gone into the yard.
Now I’m in our bedroom listening to Steven talk him through yet another just very intense tantrum because he doesn’t want to go to sleep. And I think it’s my fault because I let him sleep too long during nap today. And I can’t think of what to do or say. He keeps saying he wants Steven to go away, and no no no to everything. And Steven feels ill. And it’s only been one day and my wits are at an end? It’s like. I don’t even have words.
Now I’m sitting outside his door because he told ME to go away. This is definitely top 3 most terrible, most unbearable, longest tantrum he’s ever had.
It’s hard to “find some joy” when this is how the days end and all I see is endless THIS for god knows how long.
44: 1/7/22 Friday
Steven took a sick day so it was truly not a day full of Sara and Charlie as expected. Started off really worried because he was “sick Charlie” this morning - same routine but more snuggly and quieter. We were going to go get donuts but he threw up some after drinking water so we both were nervous it was the start of a gross kid sick day.
Turns out he wasn’t sick - or at least, he didn’t throw up any more and never showed any other sick symptoms so who tf knows. It was still so nice though to not be alone and maybe because yesterday was so hard. We switched who was in charge here and there and towards the end of the day I thought - this is why I shouldn’t do it alone. Because it’s better when we’re all together.
45: 1/8/22 Saturday
Charlie had a fever today and I’m laying in bed worrying he’ll get sicker or wake up a ton or I don’t know.
It was another good day though but Steven reminded me he’s always easier when he doesn’t feel well. Fights less, more chill and go with the flow and just wants to sit around and watch movies. So that’s valid but also after what a hard day Thursday was, feels nice to have 2 “easy” days in a row.
I love how he’s telling stories now too. He spends a lot of time retelling things and gets hung up on certain aspects of a story and it’s just precious. Like yesterday when we went to pickup food, muffin ate the donuts off the counter. So he’s constantly telling me about muffin eating the donuts but adds in dialogue that he’s having with her in his very own “muffin voice” telling her not to do that, and she responds by saying ok and “I sorry!” Such chuckles.
47: 1/10/22 Monday
Got tested this morning. Charlie did really well with it after watching me stick the thing up my nose. No results until tomorrow or after.
The day was mostly good, played at a creek and fun wooded path and loved seeing him march down the trail yell-singing “joy to the world.”
Things really deteriorated for me after his nap, right about 5 and I was feeling such despair and hopelessness I guess? My back was hurting a lot too and all of it together was making me cry a lot and I think it scared Charlie. I don’t want to hide the hard feelings from him but also it got sad for me to have to keep explaining why I was crying and I could tell he was confused, scared, didn’t know how to handle me. And I wasn’t in a good place to handle him either and I won’t say it ruined our day but it did spoil - for me, a little - and it made me feel feelings of inadequacy and “I can’t even make it through one day, how will I keep doing this day after day” kinda thing.
Symptoms got worse for me in the evening so bedtime was a blessing. We did have our first successful “rest time” vs me putting him to sleep, so that’s noteworthy.
48: 1/11/22 Tuesday
Quarantining is hard. My frustration level is high. Energy level low. Trying to be good for Charlie but despairing over things makes it hard to focus or know what the right thing to do is, minute to minute.
49: 1/13/22 Thursday
We ran a bunch of quarantine-safe errands today and Charlie got sleepy at the end of them and it was not even noon. I tried to save the day by stopping at an abandoned park w a creek and he immediately had a meltdown about having a snack. I felt very frustrated - with him and myself, and the event sort of ruined my mood for the day.
After his nap we went outside and replanted a plant and played a little bit outside and I finally texted a couple friends and that felt good, even while still battling frustration that he doesn’t seem to want to do anything for longer than 10 seconds. Anytime I get some game or activity or whatever going and he isn’t into it, it just kills me and I have a really hard time bouncing back. I don’t want Charlie to be like this though so I guess I need to get it together? Dunno. Pregnancy plus pandemic plus actually having covid plus winter time plus no sunshine plus back pain…I’m spent and sad this is how it’s going for Charlie.
So like, wow. 1.5 years later with kids in this age group is SO HUGE, and probably these entries coupled with my little humble-brag about my self-sufficient 4 year old is - for me - shocking to see side by side.
Not much else to say, I don’t think. What do YOU think? Any resonance in your own life? Any clear views of before vs. after a hard thing or a hard time? Leave a comment or send an email, I’d love to hear from you. No shit.
kbye!
