100 days: toddler holidays, a joy
sometimes an actual joy, sometimes a sarcastic joy
Y’all, I am hella ill. And you know it’s bad because I’m not sure I’ve ever used “hella” in a sentence, and now that I look at it, saying “hella ill” makes it sound like something cool. So allow me to rephrase: I am actually sick, and have been for a week at this point and I am - excuse me - hella over it. So this week I don’t have many reflections if only because my children in real current time are taxing me, my sinuses are taxing me, the government is taxing me, so coming up with coherent reflections on this set of days diaries is a step too far for my poor body and mind.
So, without preamble, here’s some reflections from a pregnant Christmas with an almost-3-year-old who was both trouble and adorable, as are all 3-year-olds, eh?
36 Christmas Eve
What a week. Each day with Charlie was fine and tiring and fine but also demonstrated that I don’t want to do that full time. Ha. But today was nice to have help - finally - from Steven and I got to sleep in and have some leisure morning time to recover. And we went on a mini hike at Umstead which I loved and hated because my body doesn’t cooperate anymore. Charlie is cuter and cuter but also a little bit harder and I’m a little bit sadder every day that I can do less and less physically with and for him. It’s hard to look past / work past my pain I guess? To like push to have the fun and get on the floor and all of that. It makes me sad and grumpy.
Anyway. Christmas Eve bedtime was a disaster and this whole day demonstrated that kids love all the hype but toddlers just can not - as in, have no ability to regulate themselves with all the excitement - because he cried forever and I had to lay with him for a while. It’s one of those things I hate to have to do but also love when it’s cute and quiet snuggles. Preparing his stocking and gifts was fun too and I feel good about what we got, the volume of gifts etc. My anxiety about it all was low and it was a fun evening.
37 Christmas Day
Wow the morning toy unveiling was precious and hilarious. Got him on video going straight for the flashlight and immediately “looking for bugs.” So great. It was another example of how he loves it so much but also is not equipped to handle his heightened emotions. All considered it was a good day and I don’t even think we had any meltdowns? Made some snacks together, had lots of candy, played with everything he got, had a good time opening presents and did fine taking turns even! Truly a day of no disappointments, and good things and cute moments for Charlie. He finally managed to get his hand to make the “I love you” sign properly today too and that was adorable to see him get excited for that new ability. I don’t know. It was just a day full of cute moments, and also while I cried a tiny bit because for example I can’t sit on the floor without hurting or being stuck there. It’s hard to focus on the cute moments but also try to do what’s right or what I need to do because my body feels so effed. It was a day I’m happy to have in my memory bank, and only minimal actual kid-related frustrations.
38: 12/26
What a day. Got up really early to go to the Lloyd’s for Christmas presents and breakfast appetizers. Steven described it as joyful chaos and I think I agree. It was a LOT but not as much as I had feared or was anxious for. We took turns as families opening gifts together and it was a nice change of pace and easing of the feeling of “this is taking forever and will never end.” A couple of times Charlie asked to leave the room and I felt proud and like impressed I guess that he was able to detect his own needs like that. It WAS overwhelming but he did a good job basically regulating himself in ways he knew how and there were no meltdowns which I was worried about and so it was a nice day. I’m trying to focus on the positives so that’s what I remember and overall this part of the day - while chaotic and overwhelming and not what I might design - was good and nice memories for us and Charlie.
The later part of the day - packing and driving to my parents - was more chaos and tiredness and made me want to either make everyone come to us next year or go to Germany for the Christmas month so we can’t see anyone. We made it, and again despite the insanity of the day, Charlie didn’t lose it or anything crazy dramatic and slept well in the car and I want to focus on my gratitude for those things.
39: 12/27
First day at my parents and we opened presents and did stockings today. It was obvious Charlie was overwhelmed again with so many new things and I have reconciled that unless or until we change that practice or culture in our family, that’s how these present-opening spectacles will be for a small human with a tentative hold on his emotions and regulation capabilities. Again though he did ok and it was just the 5 of us so it was good and we all had fun and he eventually got into playing with some of his new stuff. No meltdowns = the victory. The bar is low, as Steven says, and that’s ok.
40: 12/28
Well
reflections
You’re probably thinking that last one is a typo or like Sara forgot to paste the entire entry BUT NOPE, that’s all I wrote that day LOL. It made me laugh to see that so I knew I needed to leave it as-is and also end on that note. The holidays were and are very overwhelming for me, so it’s nice that I was so hyper-focused on what went well and what was fun. And yet you can tell I didn’t ignore anything bad or pretend hard stuff didn’t happen. I think, if there’s a lesson to end this (why does it feel like I have to end on a lesson?), it’s that things can be hard but still good! And I want to remind us that anytime a thing is hard, it doesn’t mean the thing is therefore bad. Right? Do you agree? Want to share a hard yet good thing?
Next time we get to the entries where I REALLY start to panic about having a second child in the house, some actual toddler disasters, and the joys of being mid-thirties and pregnant. It’s like, they don’t tell you - or at least, no one told me - that you might want to be pregnant earlier in life if you can make it happen because your AGE-ED BODY can’t handle it. I was one year shy of being a geriatric pregnancy but my body was all like NOPE WE’RE THERE, WE ARE GERIATRIC THANX.
kbye!
