are european moms superior
and how can i become one as soon as possible
Just returned from epic euro adventure and the feels are real. The feels are intense. The feels are …upsetting? Complicated.
There was a woman on our river cruise who was pregnant, and from Hungary. And we chatted a lot about her situation and her sister’s and the benefits they have and the WAY they handle and deal with and FEEL about being pregnant and having babies made me extremely sad. For me, for all my friends, for every American woman who is now also being inundated by tradwife bullshit and the so-called loss of “traditional femininity” and loss of access to birth control, and lack of good healthcare for pregnancy and motherhood and community and and and and. And!
Walking through a street market in Düsseldorf, we passed a gaggle of young women all wearing babies of varying ages. All under 1 year old, most under 6 months probably, all dressed in what I would call “an outfit,” hair mostly down but not in an “I got up at 5am to hot-iron these waves” way, and very little extra accoutrement a la the giant diaper bags I carried around for 3 years. The lovely version of the cheerleader effect, a group of beautiful women with beautiful babies. Chatting casually, while walking around the market, buying a baguette or whatever cheese-covered version of bread the Germans prefer (honestly, so much better than a baguette, can we all agree?).
I couldn’t help but stare at them. They were beautiful, together, individually. They were calm, their energy was serene, the vibe was so chill, the babies were sleeping and dozing and cooing, and I struggle to articulate the intense feeling of otherness I felt while watching them exist in their natural habitat - in a group, supporting each other, not worried about work, not concerned about childcare even beneath the surface, walking around a delightful and safe third place, a market with fresh foods, blocks (probably? if not blocks, then certainly train stops) away from their homes, next to a plaza where the future version of their babies could play whilst they continue this community-as-a-verb version of existence.
MY natural habitat as a new mom was almost none of those things. Instead, I had to rely on words like privileged, blessed, lucky, happenstance, circumstance, that gave me the ability to - I don’t even want to use the word enjoy? but, “enjoy” my maternity leave with a tiny baby strapped to either my chest or inside his carseat inside his giant stroller which to this day I hate with the burning passion of a thousand shitty and not-easily-turned wheels.
Maybe I’m feeling bitter and that’s coloring my perspective on this. Scratch that, not maybe - definitely. Definitely maybe. Definitely definitely. Politics and the state of things in this conglomerate of states makes me ragey.
But the point remains: I saw them and I saw a different breed, or probably an entirely different species of animal from me. Maybe like being an elephant versus a sea turtle, who is born alone, must endure a treacherous journey immediately upon being born, and swim through perilous seas full of trash and predators in search of his community, his family, his mate, his place.
Meanwhile, the elephants are always together, watching each other’s young, helping each other get out of muddy ponds, mourning each other and taking care of whoever is left behind by tragedy. Also? The females are in charge. But also also, both turtles and elephants end up with family units and communities and live long lives, so. Idk. To continue this comparison, I’d need to do extensive research and/or consult a wildlife expert, neither of which I will do.
I wrote the first part of this over the summer (2024) and NEEDLESS to say, a lot has changed for American women even since then. I think I’m unjustly, perhaps, turning situations like this into hyperbole and extremely dramatic metaphors for life as an American woman versus life as a woman elsewhere, specifically in western Europe. It’s so glamorized, as an American, looking at “living in Europe,” and it’s hard to NOT compare and do the whole grass is greener thing. Especially now that we have what seems like a legitimate fascist regime in charge of things? Fun.
It’s hard to be optimistic about like, life as a woman here, healthcare for women here, choices for women here, the way men do and will treat women here. It’s hard to see this and think about this and see that Hungarian woman, who has since had her baby and is living the dream, presumably, secure with her state assistance, help from her partner who also has assisted leave, and no pressure or looming “deadline” to enjoy her baby and her new family. What would that even be like? I don’t know a single woman here who could even guess.
Yikes this one is dark.
I struggle to end these. When it’s like, life sucks, then you die, end of! That’s…not great. But I also shy away from what can feel like toxic positivity: BUT LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE! Here is some liberty we have that has not been taken away! Here is some piece of respect a woman can still expect to receive! Here is a group of people who are doing some great work out there, for equality, for justice, for equity, for love! Here is an example of a loving husband who is an equal partner in this family I know! Hashtag not all men, hashtag not all Americans, hashtag not all of America, hashtag trust god, hashtag proud to be an American, hashtag fascism is everywhere.
But if you’ve read even one other of these memoirs, you know I’m no bright side bitch. My solution to a lot of my current-events angst is to research how to get a Visa in various foreign countries, look up home prices in cities and towns abroad, and contemplate what daily life might be like in a place that is simply not here. And even the possibility of me doing that is a privilege, and a form of using that privilege to run away, leaving the rest of you to rot here with the horrors that you voted for. And that’s not great either.
Anywho, call your representatives!
k. loveyoubyeeee.
ps. 3 of my favorite ways to keep the hope alive, bite off small pieces of action I can take and not just rage-repost things on insta are these two substacks I’ve linked below. If you aren’t reading or following yet, I recommend for fact-checking, non-inflammatory takes on events and rulings, and generally not driving oneself further into a pit of despair and hopelessness!
Sharon McMahon (no relation to Linda McMahon, best known for leading WWE, which apparently qualifies her to lead the Department of Education for an entire country.
Emily Amick, lawyer using her knowledge to educate the internet about how the government works + teach us about being good citizens.
And News Not Noise by Jessica Yellin, an independent journalist. News brought to you sans inflammatory language and provocative click-bait headlines. I get news from these three ladies plus NPR and usually manage to keep my panic attacks to a minimum.
