do what you want
but don't call it a midlife crisis
Something I’ve been afraid of since becoming pregnant the first time is that I would “lose myself” - and not in a fun or cool way a la Eminem, no. More of a woman-inexplicably-drops-diamond-overboard-to-be-lost-forever kinda way. The kinda way that you can’t really get it back, or figure out what it’s supposed to be, or how it’s supposed to be. Or where it’s supposed to be…coming from, going.
hoooowwwws it gonna be when you don’t know me anymoooooooore
bonus points to anyone who can tell me the songs quoted here today.
The obvious thing - now - about having kids is that you DO change, for the better, for the worse, for the necessary, and I think all of us who make it to parenthood, whether on purpose or by accident, figure that out pretty quickly.
When you’re having your dumb little baby shower with all the dumb little gifts, people hint at the change you’re going to experience, and you’re like, ok sure, no duh.
When you’re not sleeping those first few days/weeks/months [years? sob] you know it’s happening. Things are changing, YOU are changing, your partner is changing, your relationship to all other human beings is changing. Your pelvic floor is certainly never going to be the same without serious therapy, and the same could be said for the rest of your body and what lives inside it.
I think I got afraid of not knowing myself anymore, or not being able to do what I like to do, or not knowing what I like to do, or not knowing how to be that person that I was, only plus a kid or two. And not like I’m a seasoned parent now, but 4 years and 2 kids in, I know now that if I’m going to be “me,” and not “just” C+J’s mom for the rest of my life, I have to work on it and at it. Potentially on a daily basis.
do what they want, say what they mean
I’m glossing over this part of finding/keeping/being yourself after kids, because today I’m more interested in making choices with a focus on fun, on “just because,” on doing things for absolutely no other reason than we wanted to, and didn’t let anyone’s opinion - an opinion they stated outright or one that you think they might have - dictate your choice.
one thing leads to another
Last Friday I went to a tattoo + piercing parlor and got my ears pierced - a simple second hole in my earlobes. I’d been keeping a pair of earrings I wanted to use in the car with me so I could go get it done with just a moment’s notice. Just so happened that Friday I had a tiny window of time between a meeting and picking up a kid from preschool and decided to make it happen.
I felt ON FIRE the entire time. In a good way! I was on fire for myself, for the freedom I felt while doing this for myself. I was on fire because I didn’t NEED to do this! I was on fire because NO ONE KNEW I was doing it! It was literally a thing to do JUST for fun, JUST for me, and it was ABSOLUTELY THRILLING. I haven’t been this thrilled, excited, giddy even, about something so small (truly, small earrings, small amount of time, relatively small cost) in such a long time, and it was just glorious. It was so glorious I fear my words about how glorious it was are not rising to the level of Actual Glory.
baby I don’t need dollar bills to have fun tonight, i love cheap thrills
And now, every time I use a q-tip to swab around the new earrings and catch a glimpse of myself and/or outright stare at my reflection literally anywhere, I LOVE TO SEE IT. A cutesy thing only cool girls did in high school, which I now can’t remember if I was actually specifically disallowed to do?? Or if I just never asked or thought to do it on my own at the same time all said cool girls were doing their cool girl shit? Whatever that was. I don’t know. The point is: I did a thing that I did not need an excuse for, a reason to, a purpose, and it wasn’t TO SERVE SOMEONE ELSE. I think maybe that’s the biggest deal?
When I started writing this I literally just wanted to talk about how I got my ears pierced and how it was so exciting, and get a little into why it was such a thrill. And then I asked instagram to send me the things people are doing just for shits and giggles, and the responses I got were really amazing. And then a conversation with a friend about midlife crises and what it all means really took me down a rabbit hole of what the fuck we need to talk about this.
So that’s what we’re gonna do. For a few weeks leading up to my birthday on June 8th, we’re gonna talk about FUN SHIT // JUST BECAUSE SHIT // Things You’re Doing Just For You!
I’m going to explore why we feel like colored hair is so special, why we feel disallowed to wear crop tops, and how hard it is to re-evaluate life while you're living it and make a tough choice or make a change.
time may change me, but I can’t trace time
Lots of this has to do with kids - having them, how they interrupt our lives, our selves, our priorities change, our finances change, everything about our lives change when we add these little mongrels. But it’s not all about the kids (isn’t this another of the points, eh?!). Life changes as we age too, and aging and the wisdom we pickup as we age is also a huge factor but it’s not necessarily about that either. So how can we do all this shit on purpose and be sure to not lose ourselves? LET’S FIND OUT.
What’s a thing you did or are doing for yourself, when did you finally decide to do it, and how did you make the decision? What changed that you allowed yourself to pursue it? What does it give to you on a daily basis / how does it feed your soul / what does it add to your life? Please fill out this survey if you’d like to share, or DM me on instagram (and please specify if you’d like to be anonymous).
lisa says, hey, don’t be a little baby
sorry Lisa, it’s so late, I just desperately wanted to quote a song with your name. I don’t even know this song but topic-wise, it seems not great.
Here’s a first share to get us started:
Lisa, 37, mom of 3, artist + small business owner: the Thing She’s Doing is hair color! Lisa recently had new highlights put in and went pink and is loving it. “I have been wanting to do something like this for a long time! And I pretty much just finally got to the age of not caring what people think, I guess. I am ready to completely express myself the way I want to.”
GO LISA. Lisa has 2 daughters, and - no. I was going to make it about girls, but it definitely applies to all kids regardless of gender: How important and GOOD it is for kids to see their parents doing things they enjoy, just for the purpose of seeking and finding joy! Lisa likes pink hair, Lisa wanted pink hair, Lisa got pink hair. Her kids love her regardless, her ability to mother her kids is not mutually exclusive to pink hair. Lisa is so happy with - maybe, probably, happIER - with her pink hair than she was without it! She’s her fullest self with this tiny bit of self-expression that hurts no one, impacts no one, and serves no purpose other than to bring her joy. Cheers to Lisa!
See you Friday for some cool / dumb shit! The list this week is GOOD. kbye!
