motherhood 2 years in: encouragement

I sat down to journal “a little bit” in the weeks + days leading up to my kid’s 2nd birthday in Feb 2021, and what came out ended up being more of a novella instead of a journal entry. This is part 3.

This part of the essay is heavier, about navigating emotions and newborn-time platitudes, mostly. No specific trigger warnings,

As we get closer to Charlie’s second birthday, I am thinking more and more about having another child. Do I want to, can I, should I, does Man-Piece want to, can we afford it, do we want to afford it, can my body and mind handle another pregnancy and newborn phase, ETCETERA. 

Every time it comes into my head, I wonder if it’s “just hormones.” Like is it ME wanting another child or is it evolution and pheromones and societal pressure or whatever, influencing me?

I don’t WANT to be influenced. I want to do it because I want to do it (heh, do it). But with hormones in play, how can I know that it’s ME and not…something else? 

The hormones are PART of me, so then that leads to: if hormones influence me to want another baby, is that truly an external influence or is it just ME?

This is a bit of a mind fuck, isn’t it? AM I JUST A RAGING HORMONE, FLOATING IN THE VOID OF…