motherhood kinda sucks

yeah I said it! boom!

Sara Lloyd

Aug 15, 2023

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I’m thinking a lot lately about the parenthood dichotomy of loving my kids but also not really enjoying motherhood. And how I can get to be comfortable a) talking about it, b) living with it, c) figuring out a way to make it work for me. It’s a lot to work through, mentally, and also physically: as in, how to work through what it means my life looks like. I am a mother, so my life looks like motherhood. [The amount of sheer tasks, my god!]

But that’s not all it is, and that’s also not all there is — for me, or for any other mothers who don’t feel completely fulfilled and singularly purposeful in the job that is motherhood.

let’s discuss

We’ve all been raised to see motherhood as the pinnacle of womanhood: it’s the ultimate Thing To Do, if you are a woman. If you have a uterus, you better be using it and loving it!

And if you DO become a mother then YOU WIN! And then you live happily ever after with your prince and your babies! But y'all know by now that all of that is bullshit (because first of all, a prince? Please.). But we’re still figuring out how to show up here, in the world, as people who are mothers but aren’t Mothers. Or, people who are moms but aren’t mothers. Or…something like that. See? Still figuring it out.

don’t call me mommy

I’ve seen a lot of content recently online attempting to put this feeling to words. The feeling of intense conflict inside, as we constantly battle the feelings that come with long days and sometimes longer nights with these damn kids. We love them to pieces! Couldn’t imagine life without them, would never wish them unborn, would never go back if given the choice

to do things over. But also, unhappiness. Discontent, malcontent. Constant conflict. Heightened anxiety over literally every aspect of life - ours and theirs: school shootings, bodily autonomy, organic food and poisonous gold fish, medicine shortages, formula shortages, the planet is boiling btw, desire to breastfeed paired with inability to breastfeed, gentle parenting, yelling, feeling guilty for yelling, yelling again because you picked the wrong color bowl (how dare you) and they’re still just a tiny dysregulated human who hasn’t developed empathy or ability to manage emotions yet. And it’s only Tuesday!

And all of this isn’t even for a full time mom!

but could I do it part time?

I can’t decide which of these phrases I like better or worse, “stay at home mom” or “full time mom.” Both were probably invented by men, let's be honest, and that’s why we hate the phrases so much.

I need a phrase that explains that a woman is momming like, as her job. If she wasn’t the mom, we’d call it nannying. Or babysitting. Or caregiving. But even using the words “full time” is abrasive to me and maybe even offensive or insulting, implying that the rest of moms who have jobs outside the home are not also giving their entire selves to these damn kids AND to their job. Like I think we all know what we’re attempting to communicate when using the phrase “full time mom” but I need to say that I hate it.

I also don’t like “stay at home mom” because in my head, the emotions and feeling this phrase evokes are soft. “Stay at home” is like a person who lounges around the house, kids watch tv, makes some meals, I don’t know. The words don’t feel adequate for what an entire day, day after day, of caring for children entails. “Keeping the house.” Preparing literally every meal for every person residing inside the home. A thousand invisible tasks. And the dog! Can’t forget the dog.

My mind is thrown back to Mad Men, Betty Draper, and the other wives portrayed on that show. And my own grandmother, who raised 4 kids in an adjacent motherhood-forward era for women.

Betty Draper was a complicated character, but do allow me to simplify her for the purpose of my argument. She was always beautiful, put together, hair coiffed, waist tiny and cinched

. House clean, dinner fixed, kids off to where they needed to be. It’s the vacuuming in the big skirted dress and heels. The hair appointments.

Some people see this as simpler times but I see it as oppressive times. Betty had deep issues, but to me, (and it’s been literal years since we watched this show so I’m reaching / projecting a little bit probably, to make my point) she was oppressed because of her role. It was giving “is this all there is” energy. And for her, I guess that WAS all there is. Was. Complicated grammatical sentence there. But for us, in 2023, there IS more. [I think there was always more, but it was inaccessible, in all manner of ways.]

A friend sent me this reel that was making the rounds a week or two ago and it struck me so hard, I watched it 97 times so I could write down what she said:

“You can love your kids but hate being a mom, especially in America with our lack of paid family leave, the dearth of high quality day care, and cultural insistence that good women should stake their entire lives on the opportunity. I was raised by a woman who did exactly this but didn’t actually want kids. I was always so grateful that my mom was so honest about her ambivalence, because it allowed me to separate her love for me, which I felt, and with her love for the role, which I knew she did not possess.”

I need to pause here for a deep breath. Because woah.

"…and I watched as other friends didn’t have this honest conversation with their mothers and so they could sense their [mom’s] frustration and rage and resentment and they thought they were the cause of it, not a correlation. I think this makes an uneasy inheritance for all of us to be our mothers jailers and their joy, and that we need to start having honest conversations about the way we have conflated this idea in our culture, that good women can’t love their kids if they don’t also love the practicalities of motherhood.”

— @eliseloehnen via @nytopinion

Please read that again. And go watch the video if that’s a better medium for you. I can’t express - or at least, not without writing an entire essay like this - what this did to me. My upbringing was largely about being grateful, for all we had, for all the sacrifices grown-ups around me were making for my good and benefit. And there is a lot to be said for gratitude (obviously!). Our parents and families - when blessed and privileged to have loving ones - do so much for us when we are small and vulnerable beings.

But the fact that moms love us, and because of it, do so much for us, to us, with us…does not necessarily mean that these women also loved the job of motherhood …sort of blew my mind. They seem synonyms! They seem mutually exclusive! I think…I thought we all agreed that any woman who claimed to not like motherhood was delicately saying she didn’t love her kids. Or something. I never had or heard conversations about this of course (was there anything women were allowed to talk about in the 90s?), but over the course of growing up and being grown watching women who dared say they didn’t want kids be shamed, who said motherhood was hard be scolded for not appreciating the baby snuggles etcetera…that’s what the brain jumps to, isn’t it?!

I think in my head I am and will continue to struggle with this reframe. But I believe it, even if my inside thoughts and feelings don’t match all the time, yet: it’s ok for us to not like the job! But still love our kids. It’s ok that we maybe didn’t want a kid or multiple, and it’s separate from the love we have for those kids. And maybe we would even choose differently, if we could! But we still love those damn kids!

Because it’s about the children, it seems related. It seems like one MUST lead to the other. In Elise’s video she mentions correlation. Correlation does not equal causation! And that applies here! Why can it not?

What do you think? What are your thoughts? I want to keep conversations about this going. Please comment, it’s a safe space! Maybe you DO love the job. That’s ok too! The point is: all of us won’t, and we need to keep talking about it until every single woman knows that how she feels - whichever way she feels - isn’t wrong.