motherhood took my brain
motherhood took my brain
MIA: my ability to speak intelligently about literally anything
Last week’s memoir got me lots of DMs and texts from y’all saying mostly things like “girl same,” which is really awesome for my ego honestly, but also in general awesome because it’s so validating and really cool to connect with people about how much all of this sucks. The suckiest part about thinking something sucks is thinking you’re the only one who thinks it sucks, and then where that thought can take you. If you have anxiety like me, the thought can take you to very dark places where there is big signage in shouty capitals that says shit like “you are bad at being a mother, that’s why it sucks for you and no one else.” If it’s NOT just you, that can be the thought that saves you from the pit of despair. Or else we’re all bad at being mothers, either way, we’re not alone! Hurrah!
so now what
I had started writing more on the topic of motherhood being not great, and started also having a really interesting conversation re the Betty Draper of it all with a friend but - irony! - a week spending solo time with my 4-year-old, 6 days in a row, every meal, no naps, no breaks…yikes my brain.
It’s Monday, as I write this, the start of our second full week together and you can bet that I’ve actually used up all of my brain cells. I was complaining to MP about how tired and worn down and burnt out I was from a mere week with my favorite son, and he goes - RIP to MP, ok because listen to what he said, like these are the words that came out of his mouth: “what’s so hard about it, it’s only one kid.” All casual like that. Like, gee, Sara, why are you so unhinged and terrible at the mom thing that you can’t even handle just ONE KID.
Of course he insists that’s not what he meant, and because he’s a chill and loving dude, I believe him and ceased my hulking. He insists he was trying to encourage me by reminding me that it was only the one kid vs. the two that we actually have. GREAT, THANKS, NOT SUPER HELPFUL.
Instead, he gave me a hug, and we moved on to discussing why the hell there have to be so many gd emails in these final weeks leading up to school. PRESCHOOL. It’s so intense, I truly do not understand it. But of course the one email I am anxiously awaiting which will tell me a) what I need to send my kid to school with a week from today, and b) the very dumb but necessary signups for classroom volunteering. Yes that’s right folks, my kid goes to one of *those schools* where the parents volunteer both their life savings AND their time inside the classroom! A delight, a joy! A thing everyone in all circumstances has time and flexibility for!
I find I always want to hedge or whatever when I talk about this school that we do actually love, because while all and most of the requirements are exceedingly annoying, I also love it? Like, would I have volunteered to volunteer in the classroom? Absolutely not under no circumstances. But compel me to do so, and watch me have a great time hanging out with my kid and his adorable friends. As long as I can take nap when I get home because holy exhausting. Teachers are literally god’s gift, and teachers of small children I swear to patience I don’t know how they do it day after day.
Anyway, that’s where we are right now. And by we, I mean me and my brain and my lack of ability to accomplish anything. I’m only writing this because C decided he wants tablet time and I’ve been allowing him to ask for whatever snack he wants while he sits at his tiny desk next to mine and eats and plays games and adorably randomly sings the alphabet. He told me earlier that he only wanted snacks today and that he was not ready for lunch just yet. So I gave him a bowl of pretzels and then a pouch and then he says he’s still hungry so I heated a slice of leftover pizza at 2pm and WHADDAYA KNOW he ate the whole thing and then asked for a second piece. But don’t call it lunch!
Kid’s don’t make no sense y’all. So send up some prayers and whatever good patient vibes you can towards me as I try to have fun for another week before he goes back to school. It is going well, I am enjoying it, and also it’s hard as fuck, exhausting, wearing me down, and affirming minute after minute that I do not wish to do this full time. I have inside me some deeper, more emotionally stable, potentially even profound things to say about all this but for now this is the absolute limit of my coherence to get this on figurative paper.
Until next time, when I’ve hopefully had a break?? If you didn’t already, check out last week's memoir and inaugural voiceover recording which was an absolute blast. And share with any other moms who might be losing their minds in these last few weeks of summer break like damn I used to love summer but now it’s for the dogs, or whatever the saying is.
kbye!
