take a deep breath

that's it, that's the assignment

We drove home this afternoon from our long weekend trip to Edenton (to stay at “Mama’s birfday house,” as was dubbed by my 4-year-old — so charming!) and per usual after a trip with kids, I am beyond drained. My drainage is drained. My drainage is so drained, I don’t even HAVE sinuses anymore. My nasal passages have left the premises but left behind my dumb deviated septum, because that’s the kind of weekend we had.

I didn’t write anything ahead of time and none of the things I have drafted are ready to post, so I figured I’d take the chance - nay, opportunity! to give this assignment to you and to me.

Let’s all take a deep breath! I need a day full of deep breaths and nothing else, and I won’t get one of those for a long time, so I’m going to take what I can get and that is some deep breaths and maybe some therapeutic house cleaning (eye roll) while baby is napping tomorrow (or, today, as you read this). Really hoping tomorrow isn’t one of those days where he doesn’t nap because that would just be the icing on top of the birthday cake that I did not even have this weekend.

In fairness, I said I didn’t need a cake and it’s just funny that men take all that shit so literally. Also comical in a not comical way? He reminded me to put cake on the grocery list when I went to the store to get groceries for our weekend. FUN, I said, HOW ABOUT I BUY MY OWN CAKE, SO DELIGHTFUL. Or even better: WHAT IF I BUY A BOX MIX AND THEN BAKE MY OWN GD CAKE TOO! ME, A LADY WHO ACTUALLY DESPISES BAKING! SO MUCH DELIGHT.

This is why I said I wanted to not write anything and take a break, because I knew the drainage from the weekend was going to turn the snark up to potentially intolerable levels. The levels at which I usually look back and go yikes, bitch needs to sit down. Bitch is GRUMPY.

So let’s do that. I’m gonna stop typing, we’re all going to take 3 big deep breaths in for a count of 4, hold for 2, exhale for 4. This isn’t the official count of anything specific, it’s just what I like. We could even do what Daniel Tiger says: give a squeeze (of yourself), nice and slow, take a deep breath [breath in], and let it go [and out]. Now that’s delightful.

Happy birthday to me, and to all you other crazy Geminis out there. Live your best life. Take your deep breaths. Expand your diaphragm. Strengthen your pelvic floor. See you Friday, maybe, probably.

kbye.