what day is it
and also what month
Writing, for a lot of years, has been an escape for me. Even or especially when I'm journaling through hard things - it's a thing that helps me actually GET through the hard things, enjoy the good things, and have fun too. I love writing, I love how it feels when I come up with a quippy turn of phrase, I love how I FEEL when I'm writing, when I've written something I feel proud of, when I share it and no one says "that was terrible." It feels good to do it, I like doing it, I like how it feels afterwards.
So, WHY, for the past few months, have I not been able to bring myself to sit down and write things?
the reasonssssss
There are many and obvious reasons but the first and most impactful is that I have recently developed an addiction to pistachios. Have you ever done a task using your hands while shelling pistachios? If you said yes, then NO YOU HAVEN'T because you use your hands to shell the pistachios!
Also? Fall and Winter are key times for me to be wearing my favorite press-on nails. And as a girlie who is long-nail-not-practiced, my typing skills go down the toilet when nails are applied. Unfortunately it seems I'm not willing to give up my nails looking good in order to facilitate faster typing?? This probably is sounding like a joke and I assure you it is, while also assuring you that it is also accurate and realistic. The limit of my nail length has to do with being able to put in and take out contacts daily, but apparently the ability to type on the home row vs. hunt/pecking is shorter than what finger-to-eyeball needs. So.
the reasons that we’re here
At some point I realized, when I sit down to write things I actually have to confront those things. Maybe not head-on, or in an angry way, but the way these words come out the tips of my fingers I can't always control where it's going. Words just COME OUT, like vomit and diarrhea with Norovirus, you just never know when, how much, or what end will get the action. Possibilities are endless. And not always pleasant! Much like this metaphor, which I hate myself for. Another example of how I have no control, SEE!?
I have a couple essays edited and waiting in the wings, for me to read and proof them for an 87th time, for me to record the audio, and for me to dig up some cute pics or whatever to go along with them. It's not that much work and it's also SO MUCH WORK for something that is not essential.
This first semester of the school year has taught me that I am terrible at adapting in certain ways. It's like I used to describe myself as "chill" and I think in some ways I still am? I still am a little bit go-with-the-flow, choose the easy path, go with the easy yes, etc. Yet somehow, at the same time, I am so not chill. I have absolutely not adapted well to my no-so-new-anymore work schedule, which gives me roughly 5 hours of kid-free time per day. That's more than some part time jobs! I should be able to handle it! I should be ADAPTING. Alas, I have not.
I HAVE adapted my complaining plenty and well, I will admit that. I am GOOD at figuring out what exactly is going on with me. I know precisely when and why my issues began. I identified it early on. AND YET. HOWEVER. BUT THUSLY, I've not made much notable progress towards fixing my issue, or adapting to the new schedule, or realistically figuring out how to accomplish what I need to, when it comes to work and other tasks that are better done sans-kids.
I live and die this meme, every day. Leave C's school at 9, barely have any time to do anything before I have to be there again at 2:30. Like yes I know it's a 5-hour window but my brain can't hear you! It still just wants to choose a single task! Like, I can either write, workout, eat, shower, or work. But never more than one!? HOW! WHY??
My psychiatrist said this is sometimes a sign of ADHD, and I was like YA DON'T SAY. So I'm taking the assessment soon and will maybe have additional knowledge about why I do something, yet still not be able to fix it. Can't wait.
Anyway, I've word-vomited all of this after sending a really hard and necessary email to my clients letting them know I'm taking an extended break this month and next to get my head right. I'm fine, while also not being fine at all. I’m fine with sending the email, and also freaking out about what the response(s) will be. I want to dive more into this and share more about *the journey* but for now this is it. I do need to acknowledge that to take an unpaid and unplanned break from work is an enormous privilege. Full stop. I'm struggling, but my privilege is still privileging! I am grateful.
And I'm grateful to have this space, and for those of you who are here with me, reading this, not unsubscribing just yet. I think knowing this space was here for me when I was ready again to put shit here was nice. Calming, even. Like, I wasn't ok to be here, but I had the comforting thought that it would still be here when I was ready. So, thanks for that.
kbyeeeeee
