100 days: the in between
transitioning into a transitional transition period, side of pregnancy hormones and back pain.
In the fall of 2021, I attempted 100 days of journaling daily about things I did or felt with my toddler who was about to get a sibling. I'm sharing my entries in digest form. This is days 20-31.
Not much to say about these, so let’s dive in. If you missed the beginning, you can check out the intro, then days 3 to 10 (the one with the poop) and days 11 to 19 here.
Also a quite note re this newsletter: This is my 11th newsletter and I’m having a blast, and I really hope y’all are too. It’s bringing me buckets of joy to write here and share some things I’ve been writing and wanting to share but not sure how or when, so I really want to say thank you for being here, for reading this nonsense, and being apparently a very crucial part of my mental health. I’ve got some big plans for this newsletter and I can’t wait to share it all with you. If you want to support my writing, the best way to do that is to become a free or paid subscriber, and to share this with any other humans who maybe love their babies but occasionally wonder why we did the kid thing. Here’s some handy buttons for you to take action on both of those things!
Now let’s get to these very uplifting journal entries 🥲
20: 11/15/21
Back from vacation for more than a week now and settling in / feeling more settled. Today [our nanny] left early and I decided to take C to a bookstore so I could buy some gifts on my list, and we hit up a park I know he loves before the sun went down. It was nice - and illustrated to me that like, he’s a chill dude. He’s a chill toddler, relatively speaking. He had tons of energy (still!) by the time we went into the bookstore and it sorta makes me laugh on the inside like you’d think a little kid would be thrilled at the magical-ness of so many books and fun displays but instead I think it’s just overwhelming for him? Or like he’s not used to it or probably he’s just a toddler in a bookstore lol. I’m desperate for him to not touch anything and he just wanted to look at everything and pull things off shelves and I’m still freaking out about him ripping pages or dealing delicately with non-board books. Also toddler volume! Gah. One of the ladies working assured me I had nothing to worry about because “we aren’t a library” and I appreciated her encouragement. I took Charlie outside for a brief minute when he was getting sort of worked up and we needed a time out but looking back, I think I need to maybe calm down a little? I dunno. Outings like that still have tendency to quickly get my anxiety up and then I struggle to regulate and not just react the entire time we’re there.
21: 11/19/21
Today was not good. Not bad necessary but not good. I got my covid booster yesterday and was nervous about side effects, so really glad we were on track to have Charlie taken care of today. Well naturally he woke up sick so we kept him home. Steven split the day with me at least and we did ok but man it’s so hard to parent a sick toddler while also not feeling well slash having negative energy levels from being pregnant AND feeling fatigue side effects of the vaccine.
Just felt really frustrated the entire day and don’t feel like it went well. I guess I’m supposed to think and say and affirm that I did my best. And I think I did? But it doesn’t make me feel better. After days like today it raises my anxiety over his general upbringing. Some days I feel like we are nailing it and he is and will be a well-adjusted and kind human. Other days I have such doubts and the fact that there isn’t an obvious solution is vexing.
22: 11/20/21
Good day mostly today. Went to the Christmas parade and he did surprisingly well, and Steven and I both agreed almost without speaking when it was time to leave. Felt like for once we timed it perfectly and it was a solid parenting win feeling.
Continue to struggle w the transition times though. He’s so into that contrarian / testing phase and it’s a test at every.single.change. Dinner, hand washing, potty, getting up, going up or down or out or in. Starting or finishing a meal. It’s exhausting and I get weary. But I’m trying to remind myself and tell myself throughout the day that they’re small occurrences and use the tools I know and even when they don’t work - which is frequently! It’s not a total loss, it’s just a speed bump in an otherwise good day. Leaving for some cafe time today felt nice and I’d like to do that more often to give our weekend days some balance for me.
23: 11/21/21
Steven went to run errands alone this morning and Charlie and I were alone while I was definitely not feeling well. But we did ok! We dyed some rice, did a couple feathers on his “favorite things” turkey and then watched tv when I needed a break again. Just got back inside from playing in the front yard w [a neighbor friend] and wanted to document that Charlie randomly walked up the stairs to where I was sitting and gave me a kiss on the cheek without saying a word and I think even unprompted from Steven. It was a precious moment and the kind of thing I wanted to document when I started this project so here we are.
24: 11/30/21
[Our nanny] and I talked about our schedule today for the new year and it gave me some anxiety. What are we going to do with Charlie when the baby is here? Our house is feeling increasingly small and cramped and I think a lot of it is the basement project [we were finishing our walk-out basement at this time, adding a guest room, bathroom and living/office area] plus cold weather plus no sunshine.
Charlie will miss her if she goes. But will I?
25: 12/1/21
I don’t remember anything about today and it feels like that’s my new normal.
25: 12/3/21, a Friday
[Our nanny] presented me with a contract this morning while I was in my bathrobe. I was supposed to be up and ready to talk with her about next year but naturally I botched it, felt terrible, and Steven was scowling at me from the other room because I wasn’t awake enough to articulate what we decided to say to her. But it became irrelevant when she said she had a job offer and essentially had a list of demands that I knew almost immediately I didn’t want to nor would be able to meet for next year.
So taking care of Charlie had a whole new weight to it today and I tried my best to ignore it but failed.
We still had fun taking him to a Christmas parade and it’s adorable seeing him imitate drums and talk about marching bands. He spent the night with in-laws and Steven and I started sort of to talk about what childcare and our life looks like in 2022 plus new baby and all I can think is I want it to be both over and not here yet.
26: 12/5/21
Today we decided not to renew with [our nanny]. Steven asked me if I feel “good” about what we decided, and I don’t. I feel like it’s the right thing for us, but I don’t feel good. Because we don’t have a plan. And that means that I have to watch Charlie come January, and February. It feels a bit desperate and I keep trying to see the positive - like that something will work out, will come up, or if we don’t find an alternative, that I’ll be ok and in the end everything will be alright. The baby will come and then Steven will be off work and we’ll all be together and ok. But for right now I look at Charlie and I feel a bit desperate.
27: 12/6/21
The baby plus current stressors is making me feel a bit disconnected from Charlie and it’s a little sad. I was helping him get ready to go next-door [for our nanny share] this morning and looking at him, I felt very disconnected, I don’t know of another word to use but it didn’t feel ok now that I reflect back on it. I don’t know what to do about this, and I don’t know what to do when it feels like when I become primary / only caregiver to him that I will begin to slowly watch myself disappear.
He’ll still be cute and he’ll still be mine and he’ll still be a toddler who is hard to deal with sometimes. But where will I go?
28: 12/7/21
Charlie has started saying “oh shit” when he drops something or gets frustrated. It’s both hilarious and also undesirable and showcases to me that like, I don’t care that much but also I know he needs to be old enough to understand the words he chooses to use. It feels complicated and also I underestimated the amount I would care about what other people think when he says it or feel about the actual or perceived judgement of others. It illustrates to me that a lot of the complicatedness of parenting is fear of or avoiding of or feeling of the judgement of people who truly don’t matter but still feels hard to deal with that external and unwelcome input or influence on my thoughts or actions w my own kid. [that sentence is so awkward but I committed to not editing these when publishing them and I’m sticking with that, so, apologies I guess lol.]
29: 12/10/21 Friday
My parents came and we painted Charlie’s room and it thrilled me. Charlie was thrilled to have a blue wall and seems to be excited about his new room which is precious. I feel super grateful that my parents helped make this happen for me and I feel fulfilled and glad and like I accomplished something even though I did almost nothing physically to help. Charlie doesn’t care - or rather wouldn’t have cared if we had done nothing to the room - but for some reason doing this just made me feel GLAD and other positive things and I want to carry that feeling with me and pass it to him as we prep him for moving into that room. Sounds super dumb now that I’m writing it all out and it was probably zero to do with Charlie in truth but I’m still glad and I still love it.
Also. I failed the glucose test. Got the call today. Feels like so much heavy. I don’t feel very strong.
30: 12/12/21 Sunday
Today was frustrating. Charlie requested to spend the night with in-laws so we had a surprise productive kid-free day but all day I battled unsettled-ness and malcontent. Then when he got home he was being so loud and silly and contrary and in between cute moments were longer, more trying minutes and stretches of irritation and I kept having to stop myself from crying.
I am wondering if and hoping it’s not true that I’ll be irritable, irritated, unsettled and discontented until the end of pregnancy. Can’t be good for Charlie and I feel both like the intensity of “this is just me for now get over it” and wanting to put best foot forward, as they say, for him while it’s just us. I don’t want to feel guilty and mostly I don’t? But I think I’ll be sad if my anxiety about all the seemingly thousand of THINGS to juggle right now take me out of the joy he brings - even when the joy moments are lightning quick. They still count and I still want to see them.
31: 12/13/21 Monday
Frustrating seems to be a theme this month, this season. But today I made a mental note to remember the phase Charlie is in where he is obsessed with marching bands and marching and drums. I think it’s from seeing the Christmas parade with all the marching bands but he is using every toy as a trumpet or “instament” and wants us to march with him constantly and it is cute in the extreme. Also when I appear for preschool pickup, or at the end of the day with [nanny], he still always has a big reaction: MAMAAAAAAA and I I try to be casual about it publicly but it is a thing that makes me feel really special and fuzzy inside, and I don’t want to forget that.
reflections on reflecting
or is it reflecting on reflections? Hm.
I think it’s pretty clear at this point in the 100 days that this is when I really started to disconnect and dissociate, to help myself get through the days. Having these mini journal entries maybe makes it easier but already I vividly remember that I was just not enjoying myself and generally really struggling.
I wish I could say something uplifting like, “after this things really picked up!” But nah. I guess this is just more proof that we can love our kids, love our babies, and it is TOTALLY OK to not be in love with every minute of every piece of everything. Like, I really love cheesecake, but I don’t love the just-cheesecake part of the cheesecake. What I really love is the crust with a hint of cheesecake. And when I run out of crust, I leave the rest of the cheesecake on the plate, no regrets.
This analogy has major flaws, but my point stands. I’d never say that I don’t love cheesecake, because I DO. I will choose cheesecake over certain other desserts anytime (yeah no continuing the analogy isn’t helping). You don’t have to love nor pretend to love every part of motherhood to love your kids. Sometimes I don’t even think I love being a mother? I just love my boys.
Anyway. I tried to end on a positive note here, and we’re about halfway-ish through my entries, and only 2 months-ish left of pregnancy at this point, and man you couldn’t pay me to go back to there.
until next time?
Are you in The Hard right now? How do you make it through? Do you have a gratitude journal? Does a gratitude practice work for you?
