can i just live
why does everything need to be a crisis to be justified
A lot of this midlife crisis stuff seems to stem from a realization that we “aren’t as young as we used to be” and other such triteness about aging. Cue knee-cracking jokes! It’s a confrontation of mortality, the belief that “your best years are behind you” maybe, or you’re out of time because you can’t be on any “30 under 30” lists, or literally whatever it is that makes you have this feeling of, “oh well, time’s up!”
And that’s scary. So maybe some people just keep on keepin’ on inside of an “oh well,” and other people panic and buy a car they can’t afford that can only seat 2 of their family of 51.
But all of these rash actions, stuff people do supposedly “out of nowhere,” my question is: who cares! Why do we need to evaluate? Why do we need to name it? Why can we not just live?!?
Don’t remember where I picked this up, but my current favorite come back is “CAN I JUST LIVE,” when anyone attacks literally anything I do. MP is bothered that my taste in desserts runs plain - as in vanilla, shortbread, not a lot of sauce, not the fancy ice cream with the 6 different things mixed in. What can I say, I’m a monster who doesn’t love pie. “How can you not like chunky monkey?!” he’ll say. As if it’s a character flaw! And then I yell (because I’m unregulated and irrational like my 4 year old) CAN I PLEASE LIVE and he doesn’t have anything to say after that. Because I’m right! It’s none of his business what I like and don’t like! It’s not affecting him negatively! In fact in this example, it’s probably a good thing for him - more chunky monkey or whatever-the-fuck for him!
Anyway.
how do i live
Humans are naturally curious and we like to have explanations for things. Our insecurities about ourselves desire that we seek justification for our own choices or what we might see as a lacking in ourselves, when someone else does something we aren’t, can’t, or chose not to do.
So when people choose to get a nose piercing, or choose to wear a crop top past the age of 22, or choose to eat vanilla ice cream in a bowl not even in a cone or with chocolate sauce, or color their hair, or leave their “really good job,” or end a marriage that was “really solid” from the outside…we are all naturally like WAIT WHY, WHAT HAPPENED, WHAT WENT WRONG.
tell me whyeeee
In a world that seems to be extra judge-y — right now particularly, but I think we all know it’s been this way for literally all of time, my personal challenge is to try to see other people’s choices neutrally. Since, most of the time? It’s none of my business.
Nadia, 33, singer, actor, project coordinator in psychological research, bartender. “Labeling [what I do] feels impossible...I do what I want,” which fits perfectly.
I’ve known Nadia since we were literal babies playing with puppy surprise2, so I am extremely biased towards her as a human. HOWEVER, even objectively, Nadia is carving her own path and not letting any kind of “shoulds” or external unsaid pressures and expectations guide her at this point in her life. Not that it’s always been this way for her, I think she’d remind me, but she’s found her way to herself, and now is not willing to compromise.
After graduating from a conservatory for musical theater, she moved to NYC to pursue acting and theater. After some years pursuing it with moderate but less-than-she-wanted success (I’m not sure, I didn’t ask her about this part, lol Nadia am I getting it right??), she moved back to our hometown of Richmond, VA, to pursue a masters in psychology, wanting to become a psychologist or therapist of some flavor.
The family - a really large Lebanese one that basically all lives in the same place - was PROUD, can you imagine? Every family seems to want their kids to be a doctor, healthcare feels like a “worthy” academic and career pursuit. Sarcasm alert. Stick with it.My memory of growing up where and how we did, my circle of family and friends and my environment - it seemed to be generally understood and definitely pushed (sometimes subtly, sometimes very much not), that artistry of any flavor was NOT a worthwhile career. Unless you were a prodigy of some flavor, unless you won American Idol, UNLESS. You should “get a real degree,” and go sit in a cubicle paying your dues LIKE THE REST OF US.
So in this way, Nadia has always been unique (her sister - seated on the left, above - is getting a doctoral degree in musical arts and vocal performance, so in her own family, she’s actually not that unique). She studied music at a conservatory, nurtured her god-given gifts, and pursued them doing the hard work, knowing the odds aren’t great statistically for using music to pay bills in that specific musical theater way. But she did it anyway!
That’s her first victory. And there are three, so we gotta keep going.
The second victory is she stuck to a plan she put in place for her musical career pursuit, and when, after that pre-determined number of years of going after it, she wasn’t “on broadway” or otherwise satisfied with how things were going, she switched gears and moved to a different city to try something different. Her CHOICE. She COULD have stayed in NYC and bartended for the rest of her life! Slowly going to fewer and fewer auditions, spending less time keeping her dancing skills up, not going to singing lessons, and just embraced her community at the bar - a valid choice and path, no notes - but not what she wanted to do with her life. So, a change! A big one! A new apartment, living near family again, studying a lot, becoming a student, turning music back into a hobby she loved instead of the vocation it had been before.
vic-tree but not necessarily in the lort
Now we reach today, and her third victory. [Nadia, did you know I was going to write an essay on your entire life story lol neither did I] Recently, on one of our weekly sisters FaceTime calls in which she and I and her other actual blood sister talk shit about people and paint our nails or do laundry, she said she was moving back to New York. It’s not going how she wanted in Richmond, she missed music terribly, she missed her life in NYC terribly, and Richmond wasn’t what she had hoped. Here’s what she said about this latest pretty big life changing choice:
"I knew I wanted to make this big move back to a much harder place for a couple reasons - harder literally and figuratively. First, I had a small, sneaking part of me that regretted leaving [NYC] in the first place and that small part got bigger little by little the entire time I was gone. Second, I added up all the reasons it would be hard or I “shouldn’t” go, and I noticed two things: I noticed most of those shouldn’ts were about other people3, not me, and I also noticed when I added up all the shouldn'ts, they didn’t outweigh the regret of not going where I am most happy. I realized I have so much life ahead of me and it’s easy to feel like we should be “settled” by now or something…but that’s crap.”
ain’t no mountain high enough
IT SO IS CRAP. I love this, because it speaks to another midlife-crisis-adjacent awakening: I think from the outside, some people’s actions LOOK irrational, crazy, etc. because they’ve been people pleasing their entire lives! And then they either suddenly or over time have a realization that like, they can literally do whatever they want because guilt is bullshit, etc. and it looks all the crazier, because we’ve never seen this person do something they actually liked doing. There’s enough I can say about people pleasing and women in particular looking out for other people’s feelings and ignoring their own for an entire other day. My point is: maybe this is why it’s hard to recognize.
She continues: "We have so much time and can START things and redo things literally whenever we want. Mostly what always held me back was family or guilt-related feelings. It was hard to come to the realization that I’d lose myself completely if I just stayed for no other reason than my family wanted me to. Or like embarrassment that I left and went back. I realized it was all so silly. And I could build the life I wanted and it could look like I wanted AND I can still be there for my family. We’re so young!”
I am crying a little bit reading this again, probably because I know Nadia so well but also because it’s beautiful. Y’all! We our in charge of our own lives! If you want to change your life, you are in charge! If you want purple hair, you can do it! If you are miserable in a place you thought you would like, you are allowed to both want to change it and also to actually change it!
hold up, waaaaaaait
This isn’t a manifesting babes, you can do anything you put your mind to, "the only thing holding you back is you" chat though, I want to be extra clear. That’s not what this is, and that’s not the message, and honestly I don’t even believe in most of that. Any messaging that insists you are in charge of your own destiny doesn’t take into account any societal structures, biases, privileges, or outside factors that can’t be helped and aren’t your fault. Plus, then, if you’re unhappy, the ideology says that your unhappiness IS your fault, and I don’t love that. It’s oversimplified and doesn’t accept nuance.
I am telling this story to illustrate that Nadia made a choice after realizing she was unhappy, and didn’t allow guilt, external expectations or pressure from whatever various quarters change or affect her choice. [She was also financially and otherwise able to make this move at the time of her choosing, to my point about privilege and outside factors.] Nadia isn’t allowing family, friends, or - as she said - embarrassment or the whole “what will people think” of it all, to dictate what she does with her life.
Is Nadia having a midlife crisis though?? Going back to NYC to continue to pursue music at the ancient-to-theater-world-standards age of 33? WHAT IS SHE THINKING. She’s thinking she’s hella happier there! The end!
What do you think of this? Am I totally off base? Is there a pressure or expectation or guilt holding you from something? What is it, where is it coming from? Can we let go of being like “lol I’m turning 36, I guess I’m having a midlife crisis getting this tattoo because I’m so old lololol” Can I just decide I’d like to get a tattoo, and then go do it without feeling like I need to explain my irrational actions or blame it on my children? CAN I JUST LIVE?!
This quote from a forthcoming book by Amanda Montei4 sums up what I am thinking about a lot lately, in regards to my fixation on the midlife crisis:
A lot of women are for the first time realizing that they never really asked themselves what they wanted.
I mean, this is the mic drop moment for me. That says it all! It’s written in the context of motherhood, but I’m using it here, alongside a story of a woman who is not a mother, to illustrate that we all have these issues, kids or not. Kids ruin everything, as we all know, but societal, familial, external etc. bullshit pressure is pressed upon us all. Whether it’s age, or circumstances, or news/politics/post-pandemic shit, it’s ok to ask the question, and it’s also ok to then pursue whatever answer comes up for you.
What else? Will you share in the comments? I’d love to hear.
ps (post snark, obv)
This Thursday June 8th is my 36th birthday and I’m the most excited I’ve been about a birthday in a long time. There will be no friday cool/dumb shit this week because I am taking a break for a bunch of fun things I scheduled in advance because I love doing stuff for my bday but on the week of my bday I always get scared and sad and want to stay in my cave and have a pity party or something but NOT THIS YEAR. I’ll still be nervous as shit for all the socializing I’m planning to do but the plans are such that I can’t / won’t cancel and I’ll have a great fucking time, won’t I!
kbye!
not that there’s anything wrong with this, it’s just a literary device, ok?
WHAT THE FUCK THEY STILL MAKE THESE?!
this is my emphasis, not hers
This substack post from the author talks about her book, a hilarious and apropos take on Mother’s Day, and a great piece on motherhood on The Cut. h/t friend Maggie for sending the newsletter to me.